


I'm a Survivor

by BeccaAnne814



Series: Bucky Barnes x Reader Series [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death, F/M, Fighting, Gunshot Wounds, Nudity (no graphic descriptions), References to anxiety, Self-Loathing, Stabbing, Torture, Violence, allusions to rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 04:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11432970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaAnne814/pseuds/BeccaAnne814
Summary: You are a highly skilled SHIELD Agent, but when a mission goes wrong and you're captured by Hydra, can you find the will to survive?





	1. Chapter 1

**One Year Ago**

  
“Director, Agent Davies and I are approaching the East Wing of the compound,” you whispered into the comm on your wrist as you and your partner cautiously approached the darkened corridor ahead of you. “Have you and Agent Jefferson been able to run an infrared scan of the area?”

  
“Agent (Y/L/N),” Fury responded. “We’re having some trouble getting the infrared to penetrate the walls of the building. They seem to be reinforced with something that is blocking our scans. You’re going to have to go in blind.”

  
“We’re already blind!” you hissed into the comm. “They cut the power, and we have no infrared. Do you really want me and Agent Davies to go in alone?”

  
“I’ve got a team heading your way,” Fury informed you. “ETA, five minutes.”  
“You’re the boss,” you snapped, moving your hand to better grasp your assault rifle as you motioned for your partner to lead the way.

  
You and Agent Davies quietly crept through the dark, straining to hear any sound that would indicate that you weren’t alone. So far, you hadn’t heard or seen anything. This seemed way too easy.

  
The Intel you received consisted of blueprints showing that the door at the end of this hallway led to the main servers. Your team had been tasked with infiltrating the facility and neutralizing the immediate threats while you and Agent Davies made your way to the servers to hack the top secret Hydra files showing the locations of key bases scattered throughout the world. You were to also upload a virus that would disable the entire system, essentially crippling the organization.

  
You and Agent Davies came to the door that led to the servers. The two of you moved into position automatically. Mark Davies had been your partner for over a year and you knew each other better than most married couples knew their spouses. Mark mouthed a countdown from three, and on one, you turned the knob and pushed the door open. Mark turned into the room, taking the high position, his gun aimed straight ahead of him. You were crouched, taking the low, your gun aimed into the room as well.

  
Mark never stood a chance. As soon as he turned into the room, a barrage of bullets tore into him, cutting him down right before your eyes. You screamed out his name in anguish as you began to spray the room with rounds hoping to kill whomever was in the room.

  
The room was inky black and you couldn’t make out a single form in front of you. The Hydra operatives must have had night vision goggles. The last thing you remembered was a sharp pain in the back of your neck.

 

* * *

 

 

You awoke sometime later, groggy and disoriented. You struggled to remember what had happened when the memory of Mark dying in front of you came rushing back. You muffled a strangled cry, tears seeping through your tightly clenched eyes. You tried to wipe them away, only to find that your arms were strapped down to a table. You tried to move your legs, but they too were tied down. Your tactical uniform had been removed and you were clad in nothing more than your sports bra and underwear.

  
Looking around the dimly lit room, you could barely make out a counter covered with various knives and other sharp implements. There was a sink in the corner, water slowly dripping from the rusty tap. It was the only sound you could make out in the room. You wanted to call out for help, but you knew help was nowhere to be found. You were on your own and things did not look good for you.

  
Within minutes, a door across the room opened, flooding the darkened space with light from the hallway. A tall man with wire rimmed glasses and a white lab coat slowly entered the room. He was followed by two other men, dressed in tactical gear, the Hydra logo embossed on their shoulders.

  
“Miss (Y/L/N),” the tall man addressed you. “I’m so glad to see that you are awake. I’ve been looking forward to this day for quite some time.”

  
“It’s Agent (Y/L/N),” you spat back. “Where am I?”

  
“You’re right where I want you to be,” he crooned, an evil smile twisting his features into something grotesque. “I’ve been assured that we won’t be disturbed anytime soon.”

  
“What do you want?” you asked through clenched teeth.

  
“Information, of course,” he replied. “I know that you won’t want to share willingly, so I’ve brought some things with me to help persuade you to talk. We need to know where Director Fury has been hiding these past few months. You and he have been a thorn in our side for far too long.”

  
“Do your worst,” you said. “I’m a highly trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, I’ll never talk.”  
“We’ll just see about that,” he snickered as he picked up a small scalpel from the counter beside you.

 

* * *

 

 

The next few hours consisted of knives, blood, and your best attempts to contain the screams of pain. No amount of training could have prepared you for the tortures you endured at the hands of that madman. He slowly sliced open your skin with his razor sharp blades, starting with your face. He used a small blow torch to burn various parts of your body. He slowly pulled out each of your fingernails with a pair of pliers. All of this and you still never talked.

  
Seeing that he was getting nowhere, he put away his tools and turned to the men sitting in the corner of the room. He motioned for them to come closer.

  
“Gentlemen,” he began. “It seems as though Miss (Y/L/N) is stronger than I had anticipated. I think, perhaps, she will need a different type of persuasion. See if you two can make her talk.”

  
“What? Are you not man enough to do it yourself?” you goaded the sadistic freak.

  
“It’s not that at all, my dear,” he explained. “I prefer the blood I shed to be visible immediately. I have no use for the blood that drips from between your thighs.”

  
Looking at the two men you saw the evil glint in their eyes as they ogled your blood-stained body on display before them. You knew what was coming next, and you knew there was nothing you could do to stop it.

  
Steeling your resolve, you prepared yourself for every woman’s worst nightmare. You tried to distance your mind from what was about to happen. You closed your eyes and tried to shut out all of the sounds around you. You were concentrating so hard on blocking everything out that you missed the sound of three men falling to the ground.

  
The sound of your name, your real name, was the only thing that brought you back to the real world. Opening your eyes, you saw Director Fury standing above you, his one good eye full of rage as he carefully undid the restraints. Once you were unbound, he took off his leather coat and wrapped it around you. As gently as he could, he picked you up and carried you from the room. Knowing that you were safe and the nightmare was finally over, you allowed yourself to slip into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

You awoke to the sound of the heart machine blipping out a steady rhythm beside you. You were blissfully numb from the glorious pain killers that were dripping into your veins via the IV inserted into your hand. You could see the bandages that covered most of your body, too many for you to count. Looking around the room, you spotted Fury dozing uncomfortably in a chair by the window.

  
“Nick,” you croaked, your voice hoarse from screaming. The Director’s eyes flew open as he pulled the chair closer to your beside. “Mark?”

  
“I’m so sorry, (Y/N),” he whispered. “He didn’t make it. They were waiting for you, it was a trap. I don’t know what I can say or do. . .”

  
“It’s not your fault!” you assured him. “The Intel was bad, it happens. They wanted me and if they hadn’t succeeded this time, they would have tried again.”

  
“What did they want?” he asked.

  
“They wanted your location,” you informed him. “They knew you and I were slowly taking down the entire organization. They were definitely going to kill me once I gave you up.”

  
“I should have known this would happen eventually,” he said, burying his face in his hands. “I should have kept you on the sidelines with me. I knew they would figure out that you were the one behind the system hacks. I should have protected you.”  
“Hey,” you chided the distraught man. “You know I would have insisted on going in myself. That system was too complex for just anyone to hack into.”

  
“I should have sent in Stark,” he lamented. “He would have been able to eliminate the threat with ease.”

  
“I know I failed,” you whispered. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to fight them off.”

  
“Don’t you dare blame yourself for what happened!” Fury exclaimed. “Without his suit, Tony would have been in the same position as you!”

  
“You’re right,” you conceded. “What happens now?”

  
“Now?” he thought aloud. “Right now, you’re going to stay right here and let your wounds heal. Once you’re ready, I’m moving you to Stark Tower where I know you’ll be safe from Hydra.”


	2. Chapter 2

**10 Months Ago**  
Director Fury had come to get you from S.H.I.E.L.D.’s private hospital wing himself. You had given him a list of the clothes and personal items you wanted to leave the hospital with. The rest of your belongings had been moved from your apartment to Stark Tower.

  
You were nervous as the two of you exited the armored car at the entrance of the intimidating structure in the middle of New York City.

  
“Are you sure this is the best idea, Nick?” you asked your boss for the tenth time that day.

  
“(Y/N),” Nick assured you once again. “The Avengers are more than capable of protecting you from Hydra. This building is more secure than any facility S.H.I.E.L.D. has right now. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving you anywhere but here.”  
“I guess you’re right,” you conceded, following him into the marble-floored lobby.

  
Getting on the elevator, you peeked out from under the hood of your sweatshirt to peer at your reflection in the mirrored walls. The frightened, wide-eyed woman that stared back at you was a stranger you had yet to get used to. You wondered if you would ever feel “normal” again.

  
The elevator doors opened to reveal a large sitting room with a kitchen/bar off to one corner. The wall in front of you was completely made of glass overlooking New York’s impressive skyline. You knew that the team was expecting you, but out of respect for your anxiety, only a few of them were present in the room.

  
Tony Stark was the first to approach you and Nick. “Fury, glad you could pop by for a visit. You must be (Y/N). We’re happy to have you join our merry little band of miscreants.”

  
Tony held out his hand for you to shake and you hesitantly extended one gloved hand toward him. Noticing your hesitation and the glove, he changed tactics and brought your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles with a small grin.  
You hated to admit it, but he had charmed you. You had been warned about him, but nothing could have prepared you for the real thing.

  
Steve Rogers was the next to come forward, grasping Nick’s hand in a firm handshake before turning to you. “Agent (Y/L/N), welcome. We’re excited to get to work with you. Nick has told us so much about you, we feel like we already know you.”  
“Thank you, Captain,” you replied. “Please call me (Y/N).”

  
“Only if you call me Steve,” he bargained.

  
You looked up, daring to meet his eyes, if only for a second. “Deal.”

  
“Rogers,” Fury interrupted. “Why don’t you show (Y/N) where she’ll be staying while I talk to Stark for a minute?”

  
Fury squeezed your arm in farewell as you turned to follow Steve back into the elevators. “The living quarters are on the next three floors above the common room. Tony has made them into suites so you’ll have everything you need. The movers were here a few weeks ago and got all of your stuff set up for you, so you shouldn’t have to unpack anything.”

  
Getting off of the elevator, Steve turned right toward a set of doors. “Bucky and I are the only other ones on this floor right now. We’re the two doors to the left.”

  
“Thank you,” you replied as he opened the door to your new home, leaving you to get settled in. It was odd seeing your belongings in this new space, but comforting at the same time. You were shocked to see your artwork and photos hanging in the same arrangements you had had them in your apartment. S.H.I.E.L.D. was definitely one for attention to detail.

* * *

 

You spent the next few weeks getting acquainted with the rest of the team and learning your way around the tower. You were still a bit anxious after the “incident” as you had begun to call it. Nick and Tony had decided that your computer skills would be better put to use in the Tower’s control center, so you spent most of your time there, searching for signs of Hydra activity throughout the world.

  
Tony came by one afternoon looking for you. “I realize that it’s July in New York, but is there any reason why it feels like the arctic in here?”

  
“The servers need to stay cool, and I don’t mind the cold,” you informed him, tugging the hood of your sweatshirt down a little more. The truth was, you liked wearing the hoodies because they helped you hide your face from the world, but they were a little hot in the summertime. Turning the A/C down helped you stay comfortable while you were safely cocooned in your sweatshirt.

  
“Whatever floats your boat, sweetheart,” Tony continued. “I’m going to need you to join us in the briefing room. Fury is on his way over with some intel.”

  
You rose from your chair and followed the man toward the elevators. The ride up to the briefing room was silent and you could tell it was driving Tony insane that you wouldn’t talk to him any more than you did. “So, you fitting in here? Wilson’s not bothering you is he? He can be a pill sometimes. I’ll talk to him if he’s bothering you.”

  
“I’m fine,” you replied, a small smile lifting the corners of your lips at his rambling. He was such an extrovert!

  
The doors opened and you followed him into the briefing room, finding a seat next to Wanda. She was, by far, your favorite member of the team. She never asked too many questions and she exuded an aura of calm that helped to soothe your nerves when the others were around. She gave a warm smile as you sat down beside her.

  
You dared to look up for a moment to see who all was at the briefing. You recognized everyone at the table except the man sitting beside Steve. It wasn’t until he lifted his glass of water to his lips, and you saw the metal hand, that you figured out who he was.

  
Bucky Barnes, Hydra’s former assassin. You had read up on him when Steve brought him out of Cryo, and he joined the Avengers a few months ago. You knew that Wanda had been working with him to reverse Hydra’s brainwashing and to help him regain his lost memories.

  
He must have felt your eyes on him, because he turned and looked right at you. You quickly ducked your head again, embarrassed that you had been caught staring. You had to admit that he was good looking, in a “bad boy, I’m going to ruin your life,” kind of way. A few months ago, you would have been all over him. But now? You could barely stand to meet anyone’s gaze for more than a few seconds, let alone allow someone to see what you had become after the “incident.”

  
There was something about him that intrigued you, though. Risking another glance, you looked at him again. It was his eyes. They reminded you of yours. Sad, and a little lost. The eyes of someone who’s seen too much and is still trying to make sense of it all. Knowing how difficult it was for you, your heart broke a little for the man across the table.

  
Nick had started talking and you focused your attention on his briefing of the new Hydra threat. Plans were made and assignments were handed out to the members of the team around the table.

  
Tony spoke up, asking about you. “Is Agent (Y/L/N) going to be joining us in the field? I could use an extra set of fingers to hack into the security system.”

  
Nick replied before you had a chance to answer yourself. “I don’t think Agent (Y/L/N) will be needed in the field for this one, Stark. She should be able to handle the security systems from the control room here at the Tower.

  
Everyone nodded their heads in agreement, but you could tell Tony wasn’t too happy that you would be staying behind. You were so relieved that Nick had given you an out. You just didn’t think you were ready to go back in the field yet. You weren’t sure you would ever be ready.


	3. Chapter 3

**10 Months Ago**

  
The team departed shortly thereafter, leaving you alone to roam the empty corridors of the Tower. The first few times you had the place to yourself were wonderful. You finally felt as though you could let down the walls you had built around yourself. You could stop pretending that you were doing all right, that the memories of that mission weren’t eating away at you, devouring your soul.

  
This time, however, was different. You had started growing close to your new roommates. You were surprised to find that you actually missed having them around. For the most part, they were loud and obnoxious, but they also never pushed you. Every time Tony asked about you joining the mission, you could see the hopeful looks on their faces, but they never tried to make you feel guilty for staying behind.

  
You walked through the empty common room. There were still cans of soda and bags of chips on the table. They must have been in the middle of a movie when Fury called. You began to clean up the mess, anxious for something to do to ease your boredom. Eventually, you returned to your room, falling into a fitful sleep, waiting for their return.

  
They were gone for almost a week this time, and you felt as though you were slowly going insane. You had even considered leaving the Tower and venturing out into the world. You had made it as far at the lobby a few times, but upon seeing the throngs of people rushing past on the sidewalk, you would lose your nerve and head back into the safety of your sanctuary.

  
The long hours of solitude gave you time for some deep introspection. You knew you were a ghost of your former self. You hated the person you had become, but nothing you did seemed to help you regain the confidence you once had. A part of you acknowledged was missing, but you just weren’t sure you were ready to admit it, even to yourself. You had only felt truly alive when you were on a mission, your life hanging in the balance, adrenaline rushing, and the fate of the world resting on your skills both at the keyboard and with a weapon.

  
You had struggled with the decision for days before decided that enough was enough. Hydra had held you prisoner for far too long and it was up to you to free yourself. Once the team had returned and got a full nights rest, you went to the one person you thought would be the most understanding.

  
You stood outside of the door, hesitating to knock. You had raised your hand countless times, but each time you would slowly lower it in defeat. Eventually, the door opened to reveal a seriously annoyed Avenger.

  
“You’ve been standing outside of my door for ten minutes, (Y/N),” Natasha observed. “I was trying to wait you out, but I’m just not that patient.”

  
“I’m sorry,” you stammered, dropping your head and turning to leave.

  
“Wait!” Nat called after you. “Come on in, this must be important if you actually came to see me.”

  
You stood in the hallway, debating with yourself. Finally making up your mind, you followed her into the room.  
“Come sit down,” Nat invited, patting the space beside her on the bed.

  
You walked over to the spot and sat down, drawing your knees into your chest, hanging your head. “I’m broken and I need to figure out how to put myself back together again.”

  
“What can I do to help?” she asked, wanting to lay her hand on your shoulder, but changing her mind, knowing that you weren’t big on physical contact.

  
“I wasn’t a bad S.H.I.E.L.D. agent,” you began. “I just wasn’t as skilled as you are. Maybe if I learned to defend myself a little better, I would feel more comfortable going on missions. Would you consider working with me?”

  
“(Y/N),” Nat smiled. “I’m honored that you would ask me, and I would love to do it, but Fury wants me and Sam going undercover for the next few weeks to confirm the data we recovered from this last mission. Maybe Steve or Bucky would willing to help you out.”

  
“That’s okay,” you mumbled, rising to leave the room. “Maybe I’ll ask Steve.”

* * *

 

It took you another two days to work up the courage to talk to Steve. You made up your mind when you stumbled upon him alone in the kitchen one morning. You knew if you didn’t do it right then, that you would never work up the nerve.

  
“Ineedsomeonetotrainme,” you blurted, causing him spill the milk he was pouring on his cereal.

  
“What?” he asked as he grabbed a towel to clean up the mess. “You want me to train you?”

  
“Yes,” you whispered. “I need to get back in the field before I completely lose my mind. The only thing I ever truly loved was being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. I need to be able to defend myself this time, though.”

  
“You want someone to train you?” a voice asked from behind you. A voice you instantly recognized, a voice you dreaded hearing. Bucky.

  
“Buck!” Steve exclaimed. “This would be a great opportunity for the both of you.”

  
“What are you talking about?” you asked, already knowing the answer.

  
“You and Bucky,” Steve clarified. “You need a trainer and Bucky needs some experience training. This will be perfect!”

  
You inwardly groaned, thinking this was the opposite of perfect. You sneaked a glance at the foreboding man to find him eyeing you curiously. Meeting your eyes for only a second, he raised an eyebrow in question.

  
“I guess it depends on (Y/N),” he declared. “What do you say? You okay with me training you?”

  
“Its fine,” you whispered, staring at the ground, instantly regretting your decision.

  
“Ok, then,” he replied. “Meet me in the training room in an hour.”

* * *

 

You arrived early, hoping that he would have forgotten, or changed his mind. But that wasn’t Bucky. When he said he was going to do something, he did it. You weren’t sure if you were more nervous about the prospect of training or if it was thought of training with Bucky.

  
The others had a way of making you feel at ease around them, but Bucky was different. He always seemed so on edge, it was hard to feel comfortable around him. It didn’t help that you were extremely attracted to him. Neither one of you were in any position to even be thinking about those types of complications, but you couldn’t help the way your body instinctively reacted to him. How you were supposed to concentrate on training being in such close proximity to him was beyond you. Maybe he would deem you a lost cause and hand you over to Steve. That would definitely be a best case scenario.

  
Bucky was exactly on time, walking into the training room, stopping short when he saw you in the middle of the room. “You’re going to have to lose the hoodie, doll.”

  
“I’m good,” you countered. “Let’s just do this.”

  
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he came back as he walked toward the center of mats. “Let’s start with some simple sparring.”  
The next few minutes were spent with the two of you dancing around one another, neither one actually landing a hit. You weren’t that bad at hand-to-hand, but you were a bit rusty.

  
You could tell that he was pulling his punches and that started to make you mad. “Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, then we’re both wasting our time.”

  
“Your call,” he cautioned as he came at you with a little more force than before.

  
It became more difficult to dodge his attacks. He left absolutely no part of his own body open, so you weren’t able to even attempt a hit. He was coming at you again, when he suddenly switched tactics and spun around behind you, grabbing the back of your hood and yanking you down onto the mats.

  
“What the. . .!” you screamed, scrambling back to your feet, pulling the hood tightly around your head. “Why did you do that?”

  
“Do you really think Hydra won’t take advantage of any opening?” he answered with a condescending huff. “It’s no wonder they were able to get to you so easily. You’re so naïve, thinking that they’re going to play by the rules. This is war, sweetheart, and you’re going to be the first casualty with an attitude like that. I truly hope you’re not the one watching my back out there.”

  
His comments had you seeing red. How dare he imply that you were responsible for being captured and tortured! Anger had adrenaline coursing through your veins and before you could think about it, you were rearing back and punching him as hard as you could, right in his beautifully smug face.


	4. Chapter 4

**10 Months Ago**

  
Blood spurted everywhere as your fist made contact with his nose, breaking it instantly. Bucky’s hands flew to his face to staunch the flow, but when he looked up at you, it was with a glimmer in his eyes. “I knew you had it in you, doll. Just needed a little push.”

  
“Maybe you really are the SOB the world thinks you are,” you shot at him as you turned to leave the training room.   
You spent the rest of the day hiding in your room, thinking about the things Bucky had said. Was he right? Were you too naïve? Was is your fault that Mark had died and you had been tortured? Did Hydra see you as a weak link, an easy way to get to Fury?

  
You debated with yourself about continuing the training sessions with Bucky. Was it even worth trying? Bucky had seemed to think that there was more to you, didn’t he? He seemed really happy that you had broken his nose. You knew you felt better seeing him covered in his own blood. The anger you had suppressed all of these months had erupted in one well-aimed punch. It perturbed you to no end, knowing that he would be completely healed by the end of the day. Stupid super-healing!

* * *

 

The next morning, you made your way down to the training room. You had lain awake most of the night going over the pros and cons. The pros had drastically outweighed the cons, so here you were. You stood by one of the benches, struggling to make good on your last deal with yourself.

  
Deciding it would be easier to stop overthinking things, you pulled your hoodie over your head and threw it on the bench. You quickly walked away before you could change your mind. You nervously wrung your hands together, waiting to see if Bucky was even going to show up.

  
You heard the door behind you open, followed by a short intake of breath. You kept your head down, your back toward the door. You had come this far, but the next step would be the hardest. It wasn’t that the scar on your face was that bad, it was what it represented that bothered you the most.

  
You took a deep breath and turned around to face Bucky. “I wasn’t sure you would come back.”

  
“I was going to say the same thing about you,” Bucky admitted. “I’m glad you did.”

  
You carefully watched Bucky’s reaction, but it seemed as though he could have cared less about the scar on your face. His eyes stayed focused on yours, not an ounce of pity in the blue-grey depths.

  
“Let’s get to work,” he announced as he walked to meet you on the mats.

  
The two of you spent the next few hours practicing different offensive and defensive maneuvers. Bucky turned out to be an amazing trainer, continually pushing you to your limits without letting you get frustrated.

  
You had hoped that the intensity of the training would distract you from your feelings for Bucky. If anything, seeing this new side of him was causing you to become more attracted to him. It wasn’t just physically, either. He was also kind and patient, often stopping to correct your form and offer helpful hints on strategy.

* * *

 

**6 Months Ago**

  
The more you trained, the more confident you began to feel. You still weren’t ready to go out in the field, but you were starting to offer your opinions during the mission briefings. The others began to notice your change in attitude as well. Most of them were happy about it, some, however, were starting to get annoyed.

  
Sitting in a briefing with the team, Fury was outlining the mission objective while Tony began playing with his tech, looking for ways to infiltrate the security system. Fury was handing out assignments when you decided to interrupt.  
“Well, actually, Tony,” you began.

  
“I swear, (Y/N),” Tony interrupted. “If you start one more sentence with ‘Well, actually, Tony,’ I’m going to ban you from these briefings.”

  
“I’m sorry, Tony,” you sarcastically apologized as you moved him out of the way to rework the configurations. “I can’t help it if I’m smarter than you. It wouldn’t be fair to the team for me to not offer my expertise. We wouldn’t want the mission compromised because of your lackluster hacking abilities.”

  
Pointing at Bucky, Tony fixed him with a halfhearted glare. “This is your fault. You just had to go and build up her confidence and now none of us are going to be able to live with her.”

  
Tony’s comment had you quietly laughing. Everyone in the room froze, causing you to peek out from under your hood. “What?”

  
Fury gently placed a hand on your shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, not saying a word. You shook your head in confusion, focusing again on your task.

  
“Are you sure you want to sit this one out?” Steve asked after Fury ended the briefing.

  
“I’m starting to feel more like myself,” you answered. “I’m just not completely there, yet. Thanks for understanding.”

  
“We’re all here for you, (Y/N),” Steve reassured you. “Whenever you’re ready, let us know. We’re all anxious to see what Bucky’s been teaching you.”

* * *

 

With the team gone, you were still lonely, but it wasn’t as bad as before. You had a sense of purpose now. You spent a few hours a day working out in the gym, building up your strength in preparation for Bucky’s next lesson.

  
The biggest accomplishment came on an average Thursday morning. You pulled your hoodie over your head and pushed open the ornate glass door in front of you. The streets of New York were bustling with people heading to work. You quietly slipped into the throng, breathing in the distinct scents of New York in the fall. You had no destination in mind. For right now, the journey was enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**4 Months Ago**

  
“You’re still dropping your guard on the jabs,” Bucky pointed out as the two of you were sparring in the training room. “Here let me show you.”

  
Bucky walked behind you and took your hands in his. He held your left hand up and close to your chin while his right hand guided yours in the jab. The forward motion of the jab brought him flush against your back causing heat to shoot straight down through you.

  
You had tried to keep things purely professional between the two of you, but when he did things like that, it made it really hard to remember why you were keeping your distance. You had come a long way in the past eight months, but you still weren’t sure you were ready for anything more than friendship. Maybe after you got back into the field, and you felt more like yourself again.

  
“Thanks, Bucky,” you told him as you moved away from his ridiculously hard body. “Let’s try it again.”

  
Bucky moved back in front of you, dropping into his fighting stance. The two of you danced around one another while you waited for your opening. Seeing an opportunity, you moved forward, jabbing with your right arm, making sure to keep your guard up with the left. Bucky bobbed out of the way quickly, but he had a huge smile on his face.

  
“Great!” he exclaimed. “That was perfect, (Y/N). Let’s keep going.”

  
Bucky brought his hands back up and the two of you continued your dance. You knew he was still taking it easy on you, but some of your hits brought a grunt of pain from time to time. He made sure to never hit you with his left arm, but his right had some power behind it.

  
You decided to try to mix things up a bit. Bucky’s first comment about Hydra not playing by the rules still resonated with you. You faked a punch and when his guard dropped a bit, you crouched down and swept your leg out, tripping him up and knocking him to the mats. He quickly recovered and a hand darted out, grabbing your leg, causing you to lose your balance.

  
You overcompensated and ended up falling forward, landing almost on top of Bucky, your hands landing on either side of him. Bucky instinctively moved to help break your fall, his hands grabbing hold of your hips. Your face was mere inches away from his, both of you breathing hard from the effort of the fight. Your eyes met for a moment, surprised etched into both of your features. His eyes darted toward your lips, his hands gripping your hips a little tighter.

  
You took a deep breath and pushed yourself back onto your knees, straddling one of his thighs. “I think we’ve done enough for today, don’t you?”

  
Bucky propped himself up on his elbows, giving you an undecipherable look. “Yeah, you did well today. We’ll continue this tomorrow.”

* * *

 

**2 Months Ago**

  
Today would’ve been Mark’s birthday. You had begged off training today because you knew your head wouldn’t have been clear enough to handle Bucky’s intense training session. You lied to everyone and told them you just had a headache.

  
You had wanted to spend the day buried under the covers in your room, but your well-meaning friends just wouldn’t leave you alone. You made up an excuse about needing some fresh air after Vision had come in bringing you the most disgusting bowl of chicken soup you had ever tasted. No one had the heart to tell him he was a horrible cook.

  
You wandered the streets of New York, your hood pulled tight around your head, your hands in your pockets. The noise of the city helped to drown out the voices in your head. Guilt was eating you alive today. You had accepted that Mark’s death wasn’t your fault months ago, but it was hard to remember that today.

  
You had been walking for about twenty minutes when the feeling of being watched was too powerful to ignore. Fear coursed through your veins as your mind went straight to worst case scenario. You darted down a busy street, hoping to lose the tail you were certain you had.

  
Your fight or flight instinct was screaming at you to run, but you fought the urge. Deciding to put Bucky’s training to the test, you ducked in front of crowd of people to hide your next move. Coming to a recessed doorway, you hid in the shadows waiting to see who was behind you.

  
You didn’t have to wait long before your tail stopped a few feet in front of the doorway, looking confused at having lost you in the crowd. Your fear was instantly replaced with anger as you reached out and grabbed a handful of his jacket, pulling him toward you.

  
“Are you trying to give me a heart attack, Bucky?” you yelled at the startled man.

  
“(Y/N),” he began. “I didn’t think you had noticed me.”

  
“Really?” you asked. “You’ve obviously forgotten that I am a trained S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. I may not have been in the field for a while, but you never lose those skills.”

  
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, having the decency to look ashamed. “I was just worried about you today. I know what today is, and I didn’t want you to be alone, even if you thought that’s what you needed.”

  
A myriad of emotions ran through you. You were shocked that he knew, then angry that he had meddled, and then you were touched that he cared enough. “Oh, that was actually really nice. Even if you went about it the wrong way.”

  
“You weren’t really letting anyone get close to you today,” he explained. “I thought I would just hang back and make sure nothing happened to you. You’re obviously a little distracted.”

  
“I noticed you,” you informed him. “I’m distracted, not oblivious.”

  
“Why don’t we get out of this cold?” Bucky asked. “There’s a diner just around the corner.”

  
“Ok,” you agreed as the two of you began walking.

  
The two of you sat at the counter in the diner for a few hours, splitting a slice of pie and drinking coffee. Bucky had asked you about Mark, so you began telling him stories about the two of you. You had been partners for over a year, so you had some great stories to tell. Bucky was an amazing listener, only interrupting when he needed some type of pop culture reference explained.

  
You were in the middle of telling a story about how Mark had gotten drunk at a local bar and lost his credit card. He had called you in the middle of the night to come pick him up since he didn’t have money for a cab. Upon spotting you walking into the bar, he laughingly staggered up to you, throwing his arms around you asking what you were doing there. You reminded him that he had called you as you began leading him toward the door. The bartender called out as you reached the door, reminding Mark not to forget the credit card he’d used to start a tab.

  
Bucky had started laughing at the end of the story, bringing a hand up to rest on your shoulder as he leaned over clutching his chest. Someone chose that moment to accidentally bump into you, forcing you to grab Bucky’s thighs to stay balanced on the stool.

  
Bucky stopped laughing as his head shot up, his eyes boring into yours. The desire in his eyes was impossible to miss. You nervously licked your lips, causing his gaze to shift as he watched the motion. The hand on your shoulder slid across your collarbone, coming to rest at the slope of your neck as Bucky pulled you closer to him.

  
His lips lightly brushed over yours, his eyes never leaving yours. The kiss was innocent enough, but the fact that neither of you had closed your eyes somehow made it erotic. Your hands tightened on those deliciously thick thighs as you deepened the kiss, your eyes finally fluttering close as the emotions became too much to handle.

  
You don’t know how long the kiss lasted, or where it would have led, but you were interrupted by the sound of someone trying to hold back a laugh as they cleared their throat. You and Bucky broke apart, turning to find an amused Natasha standing beside you.

  
“That’s one way to get rid of headache, (Y/N),” she teased, not bothering to hid her smile. “As much as I hate to interrupt, and believe me, I really hate to interrupt this. Fury sent me to collect you since neither of you have bothered to answer your phones for the past half hour. We have a mission.”

  
You and Bucky both grabbed your phones, chagrinned to see the number of missed calls and texts you had been oblivious to in the crowded diner. You rose to follow Nat out of the diner, when Bucky grabbed your arm, waiting for you to look at him.

  
“We’ll finish this conversation later,” he assured you before he grabbed your hand, leading you out into the cold.

* * *

 

Once you were back at the Tower, you dropped your hand from Bucky’s causing him to look at you, a questioning glance on his face. “We should have that conversation before we get bombarded with questions. Nat will be discreet. Right?”

  
Nat lifted the corner of her lips in agreement before she headed into the conference room. You turned toward Bucky, a look of determination on your face. “I think I’m ready.”

  
Turning back, you brought both hands up, sliding the hood off of your head before heading into the conference room.


	6. Chapter 6

**2 Months Ago**

  
Fury and the rest of the Avengers were in the conference room when you and Bucky walked in. You took a seat next to Bucky as Fury met you eye, his eyebrow shooting up in question. The rest of the team was trying not to stare, but since they’d never actually seen your face, curiosity was getting the better of them.

  
The silence was becoming uncomfortable, so you cleared your throat and asked, “What’s the situation?”

  
Your question reminded everyone that there were bigger issues at hand and Fury continued his briefing. “Sergeant Barnes, Agent (Y/L/N), I was just filling the team in on the latest Hydra threat. Two top-level scientists have been captured and taken to a base just outside of Prague. The scientists were working on a top-secret project for S.H.I.E.L.D. The base is heavily guarded and this rescue mission will require all of your skills in order to be successful.”

  
“Do I even dare to ask what those scientists were cooking up for S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Tony asked.

  
“That information isn’t pertinent to the mission, Stark,” Fury answered.

  
“Just as I figured,” he said disdainfully. “S.H.I.E.L.D. is messing around with things best left alone, and now we get to go in and clean up the mess.”

  
“Tony,” Steve warned. “It’s not up to us to judge. We have a mission. Innocent lives are at stake. That’s what we need to be focused on.”

  
“Steve is right,” Bruce interjected. “We need to stay focused on the objective.”

  
“Are we done arguing?” Fury asked impatiently. “I would like to actually save these guys before Hydra gets what they wants and decides they’ve outlived their usefulness.”

  
“Let’s suit up and go,” Bucky suggested. “(Y/N)’s with me on this one.”

  
Fury looked at you with concern. “Agent (Y/L/N), are you sure you’re up for this?”

  
“I’ve been training with Bucky for months now,” you responded. “It’s now or never.”

  
“Okay, then,” he conceded. “You and Barnes are together on this one. Everyone else, you know your assignments. Wheels up in 20 minutes.”

  
You and the rest of the team stood up to leave the conference room. You walked out of the room, heading to your quarters to change into your tactical gear for the first time in almost a year. To say you were nervous was an understatement.

  
Fury placed a hand on Bucky’s arm to stop him from leaving the room. He waited until you were out of earshot before speaking. “Do you really think she’s ready for this?”

  
“(Y/N)’s tougher than she looks right now,” he began. “If I wasn’t 100% sure, I would’ve tried to discourage her. She needs this, especially today.”

  
“Yeah,” the director agreed. “I figured it would be a bad day for her. Maybe it’s good that she’s going back today. Give her a sense of purpose. Thanks again for all you’ve done for her.”

  
Bucky shook his head. “No need to thank me, Director. She’s a strong woman, she just needs to prove that to herself again.”

  
With that, Bucky began walking back to his room to get ready for the mission. Fury stayed behind, turning toward the wall of windows facing the city. His apprehension of this mission just increased twofold.

* * *

 

The trip to the Czech Republic was spent going over blueprints of the facility and outlining different tactical approaches. As usual, Vision, Rhodey, Tony, and Sam would provide aerial coverage while Thor, Steve, Clint, and Hulk took care of the guards. Nat would work on the security system while Wanda covered her. You and Bucky would be set back on a small hill with sniper rifles until the entrance could be breeched. Once entry to the facility was gained, Steve and Clint would go in first to clear the way. You and Bucky would join Nat and Wanda in the facility to locate and liberate the hostages. Thor and Hulk would stay outside with the boys in the air to keep most of the Hydra operatives busy.

  
As the Quinjet touched down, your anxiousness grew. You kept going over the mission protocols in your mind to help ease your nerves. You were with a large team, arguably the best the in the world. They all had your back, and Bucky would be with you the entire time. It wasn’t going to be an easy mission, Hydra would make sure of that, but it wouldn’t be like the last one with Mark. You weren’t going in blind without any backup, you would be just fine.

  
Hydra had anticipated your arrival and had doubled their manpower. You and Bucky were kept quite busy on the hill. There was something oddly satisfying about watching the agents crumple to the ground with a bullet between their eyes. You hadn’t been given the opportunity to make your captors pay, so this would have to suffice as your revenge.

  
Steve and Clint cleared a path to the entrance. Wanda created a shield of energy around her and Nat so the redhead could work on the security panel uninterrupted. In a matter of seconds, the door was opened and Steve and Clint entered first. You and Bucky loaded up your gear and sprinted to the door, covered by Thor and Hulk. Wanda and Nat proceeded the two of you into the facility, waiting just inside of the door.

  
“You and Bucky take the east wing. Steve’s clearing the way for you now,” Nat commanded. “Wanda and I will head west, following Clint. Radio back if you find the hostages first.”

  
“Affirmative,” you acknowledged, turning toward the right corridor, Bucky on your heels.

  
There were piles of bodies strewn throughout the corridors, evidence that Steve had done his job well. You and Bucky carefully stepped over them, unsure if they were actually unconscious. The two of you came to a corner where the hallway intersected with another one heading north and south.

  
“Don’t even think about it,” Bucky warned. “I’m not letting you out of my sight. Fury will kill me.”

  
“Bucky,” you argued. “It would make more sense for us to split up and cover more ground.”

  
“Absolutely not,” he replied. “I can see another downed Hydra agent due East. Steve went that way. We’re following him, end of discussion.”

  
Bucky began stalking down the corridor, pausing to look back, making sure you were following him. You let out an agitated breath and started forward. Coming to an open door at the end of the hallway, you could hear sounds of a struggle coming from inside of the room. Steve had met a large group of Hydra agents and was doing his best to take them all down. He was making pretty good progress by the time you and Bucky joined the fray.

  
You slung your rifle over your shoulder as you engaged in some hand-to-hand combat with the first Hydra agent that assaulted you. Your months of training with Bucky paid off, and you were able to quickly render him unconscious. Your confidence began to grow with each Hydra agent that fell before you. For the first time in months, you actually felt like yourself.

  
Bucky and Steve were just as busy as you, taking out multiple agents at a time. With everyone occupied, it was easy to lose sight of the other fights going on around you. You weren’t the least bit worried about it until the latest agent came forward to engage you.

  
The fight started out like all of the others. They assumed that since you were a woman, you would be easy to take down, but they were sadly mistaken. You had a point to prove, to yourself and to everyone else. You were quickly overtaking the agent when he suddenly retreated a few paces back. He bent down to retrieve something from his boot. Standing again, you saw the knife in his hand. The way the blade caught the light had panic setting in. The full weight of your memories came crashing down on you.

  
Your mouth went dry as your heart pounded in your ears. You were frozen, unable to move as the agent quickly advanced on you. You wanted to cry out, but your voice was gone. You saw the knife arcing toward you, but there was nothing you could do to stop it.

  
“(Y/N)!” you heard Bucky cry out. His voice sounded like a whisper, drowned out by the sound of your racing heart. The blade sliced into your abdomen, just as Bucky tackled the agent, snapping his neck before he hit the ground. The knife clattered to the floor, a thin line of blood along its edge, the liquid shining bright red as it reflected the overhead lights. That was the last thing you saw before the world around you faded to black.


	7. Chapter 7

**2 Months Ago**  
You awoke to the sounds of boots striking the ground and the shouts of familiar voices. You opened your eyes to see Bucky’s worried face above you. You could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he ran through the facility with you cradled in his arms. You couldn’t remember what had happened, but you could feel the pain in your abdomen. You cautiously reached toward the painful spot and felt something warm and sticky. Raising your hand, you could see it was coated in blood. . . your blood.

  
You must have made some type of sound because Bucky’s eyes darted downward. His were wide, his pupils so large with fear that you could barely see any of the blue-grey irises. His footsteps quickened as he rushed to get you back to the jet. Steve was leading the way, taking out the few Hydra agents left to impede his progress. The three of you met up with Wanda, Nat, Clint, and the two S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists near the exit.

  
Wanda put up and energy field around the eight of you as you sprinted toward the Quinjet. Once you were all safely aboard, the rest of the team retreated to the safety of the jet. Tony stopped briefly to give your shoulder a squeeze before he rushed to the controls. Bucky gently laid you down on one of the benches reaching for the hem of your shirt to assess the wound.  
You quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him. “No.”

  
His eyes were full of confusion and concern. “(Y/N), I have to check the wound. I need to stop the bleeding.”

  
“I know,” you admitted. “Just give me something to put pressure on it. There’s not much more that we can do until we get back to the Tower.”

  
“(Y/N),” he pleaded. “Let me see how bad it is.”

  
“No,” you asserted. “It’s not that bad, I probably won’t even need stitches. I’m not going to die.” You paused for a moment, considering. “I have you to thank for that. If you hadn’t taken him out, well, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  
“You know I won’t ever let anything happen to you,” he assured as he handed you a handful of gauze. “I just hate that he was able to hurt you before I could kill him.”

  
“It’s my fault,” you admitted as you pressed the material over your wound. “I saw that knife and it all came rushing back. I froze.”

  
“It’s my fault,” Bucky countered. “I never even thought about teaching you how to fight with a knife. You know we’re going to fix that once we get back, right?”

  
“Don’t blame yourself,” you pleaded. “I deliberately steered the training away from that because I was scared. I didn’t think things through enough. Of course someone was bound to come at me with a knife. I just thought I would be better prepared in hand-to-hand and it wouldn’t matter. I should have known it would trigger those memories.”

  
“Let’s just agree that we’re both to blame,” he suggested.

  
“Agreed,” you said.

* * *

 

Once you were back at the Tower, Bucky scooped you again and walked straight to Dr. Cho’s medical bay. He gently laid you down as Helen rushed over to check on you. Nat and Bruce helped the two scientists to cots of their own, but their injuries were minor, so Dr. Cho decided to assess you first.

  
Dr. Cho moved to lift the gauze from your abdomen, but you stopped her. You turned to look at Bucky. “Would you mind waiting outside?”

  
Confusion and hurt were written all over his face, but he nodded and stepped back. He drew the curtain around you and Helen as he walked away.

  
“I’m being ridiculous, aren’t I?” you asked your friend as she began to examine the gash across your stomach.

  
“I’m not a psychologist, but I know how you feel about your scars,” she stated. “It took months before you would let anyone other than Bucky see the one on your face. I’m not surprised you are hesitant to let him see the rest.” She was quiet for a moment as she cleaned the blood from the wound trying to determine how deep the gash went. “I can see the way you two look at each other. Maybe it’s time to let someone in.”

  
“You’re right,” you admitted. “I know you’re right. I’m being superficial and I’m not giving him enough credit.”

  
“I’m not going to disagree,” she answered. “This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I can put you in the Cradle and you’ll be out of here in no time.”

  
You grasped the woman’s arm to get her to meet your eyes. “Thanks, Helen. For everything.”

  
True to her word, you were out of the med bay in less than an hour. You were still dirty and sweaty from the mission and you wanted nothing more than a hot shower and some sleep. The common room was empty as you passed by, so you assumed everyone had the same idea as you.

  
Opening your door, you were surprised to see Bucky sitting on the edge of your bed. His hair was wet and he had changed. The eyes that met yours were still full of hurt and confusion. You walked to the bed and ran your hands through his hair.  
“I’m sorry,” you whispered. “Let me grab a quick shower and then we can talk, okay?”

  
Bucky didn’t say a word, just nodded. You grabbed some clean clothes and walked to the bathroom door. You paused, turning to look back at him. He was bent over, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands buried in his hair. You quickly stripped off the filthy, bloody clothes and stood under the spray of hot water.

  
Getting out of the shower, you used your towel to wipe away the steam from the mirror. You spent a few minutes looking over your naked body, your eyes raking over every single scar and burn. It had been months since you had looked this closely, but nothing had changed. You could still remember how it felt to receive each one of those marks.

  
Shaking your head, you turned to get dressed. Your hand stopped a few inches away from the stack of clothes. You looked over your shoulder at the robe hanging from the back of the door. Making up your mind, you slipped into the robe and walked back into the bedroom.

  
Bucky was still in the same position you left him, but upon hearing the door open, he lifted his head to meet your eyes. His eyebrows slightly raised when he saw you in the bath robe. It was not what he had been expecting.

  
“I’m sorry,” you apologized again. “I’m still a little sensitive when it comes to my scars. I mean, come on, it took me almost a year to let anyone other than you see my face and it’s not even that bad.”

  
Bucky stood and started walking toward you. “I get it, (Y/N), I really do. I have scars as well.”

  
“I don’t mean to sound rude,” you began, “but if you start talking about emotional scars. . .”

  
“Emotional scars are a given,” he interrupted, looking down at the ground, unable to meet your eyes. “There’s not a single person in this Tower that doesn’t have those. I’m talking about actual scars. Angry, red, puckered skin that’s hideous to look at. I don’t blame you for not wanting anyone to see those. Steve’s the only one who’s seen mine.”

  
He stopped talking and looked back up at you. His eyes were filled with sadness and something else. Fear, maybe. You started to ask why he was scared, but he took a step back. He reached behind his head, grabbing the neckline of his shirt, and in one swift motion, he pulled it over his head.

  
You knew that there was bound to be some scars on his shoulder from where the metal arm met his flesh, but you were unprepared for the sight before you. You couldn’t keep the gasp from escaping as your hands went to cover your mouth. Tears formed in your eyes as you looked at what Hydra had done to a sweet, innocent kid. You cautiously reached a hand toward his shoulder, but stopped, searching his eyes. He took your hand in his and he placed yours over the scar tissue. You lightly ran your fingers over the raised ridges as the tears started running down your cheeks.

  
Bucky’s other hand began to gently wipe the tears from your eyes. Your hand moved from his shoulder to cup his cheek as you pulled him toward you. You brushed your lips against his, more for comfort than anything else. Bucky wrapped his left arm around your waist as he rested his forehead against yours. The two of you stayed that way for a few minutes, neither one saying anything. Neither one needing to say anything.

  
You eventually pulled back as your hands went to the belt of your robe. Bucky’s hands covered yours as his eyes shot open. Without a word, he was able to convey that he didn’t expect anything from you, but you were determined. If you were ever going to move on from your past, you needed to let someone else share your burden. Bucky was the perfect person. He completely understood what you were going through, but it was more than just shared life experience that convinced you to trust him. Somewhere along the way, you weren’t sure when, you had fallen in love with him. You knew that he loved you too, but you didn’t need to hear the words. The love radiating from his eyes at that exact moment was all you needed.

  
You brought his hands to your lips, kissing the palms of each before you began untying the robe again. Your eyes never left his as you slowly slipped the heavy terrycloth from your shoulders, letting it pool in the floor at your feet. Bucky’s eyes never left yours, not even tempted to look.

  
“Look at me,” you whispered. “I need you to look at me.”

  
Bucky hesitated for a moment before he heeded your request. His eyes swept down your body, but he didn’t linger. His eyes came back to yours filled with sadness and regret. He pulled you into his arms as he buried his head in the crook of your neck. Your arms wrapped around him as the two of you just held one another.

  
“You know I love you, right?” he asked after a few minutes.

  
You pulled back from his embrace so that you look into his eyes. “I love you, too.”

  
The kiss you shared was sweet and tender. Neither one of you were in a hurry, you were just reveling in the knowledge that you had each found someone that understood you completely.

  
Eventually the desires that the two of you had suppressed these last few months demanded to be addressed. Bucky’s hands roamed your body, never hesitating as he encountered the different textures of your body. You took advantage of the exposed flesh in front of you as your hands raked over the hard planes of his chest.

  
Bucky’s lips never left yours as he lifted you in his arms carrying you to your bed and laying you down on top of the soft bedding. He let out a strangled moan as he broke contact to rid himself of the rest of his clothes before joining you again. You would have been perfectly satisfied if Bucky had taken you right then, but he had other plans. He was in no rush and was content to spend every moment he could showing you just how much he adored you.


	8. Chapter 8

**2 Months Ago**  
You were worried how everyone would react when you and Bucky emerged from your room the next morning, but no one seemed to think anything was strange about Bucky spending the night with you. Vision was making pancakes and Wanda was hovering over him, making sure he didn’t burn them. Steve offered you and Bucky a plate as everyone began to sit around the table.

  
“How are you feeling today?” Steve asked you.

  
“Helen was able to heal the wound, so I’m feeling fine,” you answered.

  
“I bet you’re feeling fine this morning,” Sam teased with a wink from the end of the table, earning a smack on the back of his head from Nat. “Ow!”

  
“Ignore him,” Nat advised as she began to eat her pancakes.

  
The table grew silent as everyone ate their breakfast. Eventually Wanda joined the group after she made sure that Vision had turned off the stove.

  
“So,” Tony began, pointing his fork at you. “Are we going to talk about what happened yesterday?”

  
“I’m sorry I compromised the mission,” you apologized. “It won’t happen again. I thought I was ready, but obviously I was wrong.”

  
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Bruce interrupted from the seat beside you. “We’ve all been there. Something unexpected happens and we lose our focus. That’s why we’re a team. We take care of one another. We accomplished what we set out to do, so there’s no need to feel guilty.”

  
You grabbed Bruce’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you for that.”

  
“Now that you know you have a trigger, what are you going to do about it?” Nat asked after a few minutes.

  
“Bucky and I are going to work on my skills with a knife,” you informed her. “If I can become comfortable wielding one again, then I should be able to fight someone else who has one.”

  
Steve nodded in approval. “Good thinking. I’ve been seen firsthand how skilled Bucky is with a blade. There’s no one better to train you, not that you would want anyone else.”

  
The team finished eating and began to disperse throughout the compound. You and Bucky agreed to meet in the training room in a half hour before heading to your separate rooms.

* * *

 

You met Bucky at the appointed time, nervous at the thought of seeing Bucky with a knife in his hand. You knew that it was just training, but your brain may have other ideas. You just hoped that you wouldn’t freeze up again. You had to overcome this, or you would never be allowed back in the field.

  
Bucky walked in a few minutes later, holding a small case. He walked over to one of the benches and laid it down. You steeled your resolve and walked over to where he stood. Opening the case, you saw two intricately designed blades resting on a bed of velvet.

  
“Stark let me borrow these,” he informed you as he motioned for you to take one.

  
You hesitantly reached out and ran your fingers along the design on the hilt. “They’re beautiful. Why did you need to borrow these from Tony?”

  
“Pick it up,” Bucky directed. “You’ll see.”

  
You grabbed the knife and lifted it from the case. The light didn’t reflect off of the blade like you had thought it would, so you cautiously touched the blade.

  
“It’s fake,” you observed. “You borrowed fake knives. Why?”

  
“I didn’t want to take the chance of either of getting hurt,” Bucky explained. “This way, you can get used to the feel of it without having to worry about accidently stabbing one of us.”

  
“I guess that makes sense,” you conceded. “Why does Tony have a set of fancy fake knives anyway?”

  
Bucky shrugged his shoulders as he grabbed the other knife. “He said they were props in some movie he loves. I didn’t ask too many questions.”

  
You tossed the knife from one hand to the other, testing the weight of it. “So, where do we start?”

  
Bucky spent the next hour showing you different ways to hold the weapon depending on which area of the body you were aiming for. The best part was when he showed you how to flip it in the air to quickly change your grip. He made it look so easy, but as hard as you tried, you either dropped it or ended up grabbing it by the blade. You understood now why he insisted on learning with props before he put the real thing in your hands.

* * *

 

**1 Month Ago**

  
You spent the next month with that prop knife in your hand. You would practice flipping it as you walked down the corridors, while you sat at the table eating dinner, and even during movie night. It finally got to the point that you forgot you even had it in your hand.

  
You shouldn’t have been surprised when Bucky grabbed it out of your hand one morning while you were brushing your teeth. The two of you had officially “moved in together” a few weeks before and you were quickly falling into a comfortable routine. He took the knife, raised one eyebrow and continued to brush his teeth.

  
“Why did you do that?” you asked once you were finished.

  
“It’s time,” he announced. “We start working with the real thing this morning. Go get changed, we’re heading to the training room right after breakfast.”

* * *

 

It felt weird walking around without the knife in your hand, but you were excited to try your new skills using the real thing. Bucky walked over to the weapons cabinet and grabbed two knives, offering one to you.

  
You tested the weight of the knife, finding it was almost identical to the prop. You cautiously ran one finger along the razor sharp edge, the light glinting off the blade eerily. Your chest tightened slightly as the sight, but you were bound to move past it. This was going to be an interesting training session.

  
You and Bucky moved into your now familiar stances. The dance was always the same, he would strike out at you and you would block his advance, making a move of your own. You had learned one another so well in the past few weeks, it was almost too easy.

  
“Let me try,” a voice spoke from the other side of the room.

  
You and Bucky stopped to find Nat leaning against the door frame. She unfolded her arms and walked toward Bucky, her hand outstretched. Bucky looked to you for approval before placing the knife in her hand.

  
A fresh wave of fear washed over you as the redhead prepared to attack. You had only ever sparred with Bucky, but you could see the benefit of changing partners. Nat was a wild card and fighting her would be the true test of whether or not you had truly mastered the skill.

  
Nat circled you like a cat playing with its prey, her emotionless eyes never leaving yours. You knew her strategy was to unnerve you, and it was working, slightly. She was obviously waiting for you to make the first move, so you watched her carefully, paying attention to which foot she lead with and when her balance was off just a bit.

  
Finding your opportunity, you advanced, your knife poised to stab her in the shoulder. She was ready for the move and attempted to block you, but you had been prepared for her reaction as well. Adjusting quickly, you brought your other hand down hard on her wrist, causing her to lose her grip on the knife. It clattered to the floor as you flipped your knife, catching it in midair and bringing it down toward her heart.

  
The two of you had never broken eye contact during the entire fight, so you were surprised to see the glint of amusement in hers as you stopped short of actually stabbing her. She took a step backward as a smile fully formed on her face. She gave you a small nod before turning toward Bucky.

  
“She’s ready,” she announced. “If that had been a real fight, I might actually be dead now.”

  
“Are you sure?” you asked. “Would you really trust me to have your back out there?”

  
“Absolutely,” she answered. “I’ve never seen someone work as hard as you have. I do think it’s time you started training with the rest of the team. You and Bucky won’t always be able to go on missions together and you need to learn to trust the rest of us as well.”

  
You and Bucky shared a look. You knew she was right, but it would be strange training with someone other than him. The two of you had grown so close in the past year, it was almost as if you were extensions of one another.

  
You turned toward the other woman, a look of resolve on your face. “Are you volunteering to go first?”

  
“No,” a voice spoke from the shadows. “I am.”


	9. Chapter 9

**1 Month Ago**

  
The three of you turned to watch as Steve walked into the room. He leaned over and grabbed the knife Nat had dropped. Giving it a twist, he flipped it in the air, expertly catching it by the hilt. Bucky and Nat stepped back to allow you and Steve some room.

  
“Okay,” you said. “Let’s do this.”

  
Steve was just as good as Bucky and Nat with the knife, and there were times when you thought he’d gain the upper hand on you. You were always able to find an out, barely managing to stay in the fight.

  
Eventually Steve got tired of the knives and threw his off to the side. You took your cue from him and got rid of yours as well. The next twenty minutes were physically demanding as you battled the super soldier. He was definitely stronger than you, but you were pretty quick and could dodge most of his kicks and punches. Bucky and Nat had sat on the bench and offered pointers throughout the fight.

  
Finally calling it a draw, you practically collapsed on the mats. Steve was barely winded, but he was nice enough to grab you a bottle of water. He sat beside you on the mats, quietly drinking from his own bottle.

  
“I can see why Fury thinks so highly of you,” he said. “You are one determined woman. We’re lucky to have you on the team.”  
“Thanks, Steve,” you panted in between swigs of water. “I just hope I don’t let you guys down out there again.”

  
Bucky walked over to help you to your feet. “I don’t think that’ll ever happen again. Why don’t we go grab a shower, doll?”

  
You gave a small wave to Steve and Nat as you and Bucky walked back toward your room. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you close to him as you walked. Your arm was wrapped around his waist, enjoying the moment.

* * *

 

**Present Day**

  
Things had been quiet for the past few weeks, just a few minor incidents that only required Tony and Steve to go out. You had been taking turns sparring with the rest of the team, and your confidence was growing every day.

  
When Fury showed up one day with a thick file folder, you couldn’t help but be excited. This was it. This was your chance to prove to everyone, to prove to yourself, that you truly were ready. You were back to normal. Or as close to normal as you’d ever be.

  
The mission was pretty simple. Hydra was attempting to create more super soldiers and had set up base in a small village in Eastern Europe. Reports had been coming in from the locals talking about demons terrorizing the villagers. S.H.I.E.L.D. had put the pieces together and realized that it was Hydra. The exact number of agents was unknown so the entire team was being sent in.

  
You changed into your tactical gear and was getting ready to head to the jet when Bucky stopped you. He was acting a little strange, and it wasn’t until you noticed the package in his hand that you understood why. You took the box and carefully opened it. Inside was a thigh holster and a brand new knife.

  
You let out a small chuckle as you placed a kiss on his lips. “Thanks, Buck. This will definitely come in handy.”

  
He was relieved that you liked it and helped you strap it on. You practiced pulling the knife from the holster a few times to get the feel of it. It felt right to have the familiar weight back in your hand.

* * *

 

You were nervous, but not like the last time. You knew deep down that you hadn’t been ready before, but you were ready this time. Nothing was going to stand in your way.

  
Tony landed the jet a few kilometers away to avoid detection. You stayed close to Bucky as you crept through the forest toward the village. The few sentries you came across were easily dispatched as you neared the first houses.

  
Steve held up a hand to halt your progress. He whispered into the comms that you needed to split up to cover more ground. You gave Bucky’s hand a light squeeze as you headed off in the direction Steve had indicated, while Bucky moved in the opposite direction.

  
You had your hands securely wrapped around your pistol, ready to aim and shoot at any threat that crossed your path. So far, you hadn’t encountered anyone and you were worried that you were heading away from the fight instead of toward it.

  
You rounded the corner of a house and peered down the street. You could see a few Hydra operatives leaning against the back of building smoking cigarettes. Circling around, you were able to sneak up behind them and take them out easily. Grabbing the key card off of one the uniforms, you swiped it through the reader. The light turned green and you opened the door just a crack.

  
“I’ve gained entry to one of the buildings,” you told the rest of the team. “I’m at the southeast corner of the village, heading in to assess the situation.”

  
“Watch your back,” Bucky responded in a whisper. “Let us know immediately if you need backup.”

  
“Roger that,” you answered as you slipped inside of the building.

  
The halls were dimly lit, instantly reminding you of that last mission with Mark. You tamped down the rising panic within you at the memory. This was not like that at all. You had a team right behind you, ready to assist at a moment’s notice. You were not going in blind, you could still see the corridor ahead and any threat that arose.

  
Taking a deep breath you continued on, stopping at each door to gently try the knob. So far, they had all been locked and there were no card readers on the wall. Reaching the end of the corridor, you came to an intersection. Keeping your gun raised in front of you, you quickly turned the corner, sweeping left and right. No one was in sight. You were deciding which way to turn when the sound of voices reached your ear. You ducked back out of their line of sight as you tried to listen to their conversation.

  
They were too far away to make out what they were saying, but you heard the distinct sound of the door beeping to allow them entry. You peeked around the corner to see which door they were going in and then waited until you were sure they inside.

  
Once you were sure the coast was clear, you made your way to the door. You stopped and listened for a moment, trying to determine if they were still by the door. Their voices were muffled, but you could tell they were moving farther away from the door. You waited until you could no longer hear them before using your stolen key card to unlock the door.

  
You paused for a second to update the team on your exact location. Steve radioed back that he had also come across a building full of Hydra agents, but Nat and Bucky were coming up empty. He was sending Bucky to your location.

  
You stood inside of the door, your eyes scanning the room. It was actually two rooms, the outer room was well-lit and full of office equipment. The door to the inner room was ajar, but it was very dark, only a small pool of light toward the back.

  
You cautiously approached the open door, straining to hear the conversation between the men in the room. You were almost to the door when the sound of screaming made you freeze. It was a woman’s voice, you were sure of that. Then you heard the laugh. You would have recognized that laugh anywhere.

  
Fear coursed through your veins as a trickle of sweat ran down your spine. You were instantly taken back to your own darkened room, your screams echoing off the walls, his evil laugh filling your ears. Fury had said he was dead, he’d said he’d put a bullet in his chest himself. How was he here? How was he alive?

  
You stood frozen for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only a few seconds. You closed your eyes and pictured the faces of your teammates, of Fury, of Bucky. Digging deep, you found your courage. When your eyes opened, they were full of rage and a fire that had been burning in you for one very long year. This was your chance to get your revenge.

  
You made your way to the door as silently as you could. Peering around the corner, you made out the figures of three men and a woman strapped to a table. It was only a quick glance, but you definitely recognized the tall man in the white lab coat, a scalpel in his hand. A fresh wave of panic washed over you upon seeing him. An internal war raged within yourself. Part of you wanted to run as far away as you could, but another part, the part you had fought so hard to build back up refused to back down.

  
Tightening your grip on the gun in your hands, you slipped into the room, trying to keep your shadow from crossing over the men, lest you be discovered. You hid in the shadows, assessing the situation. You had yet to be spotted, so you decided to make your move. Raising your weapon, you took aim and fired at the two guards. One hit each and then went down, never knowing what hit them.

  
The tall man turned toward you, shock evident on his face. You stepped into the light, giving him a moment to get a good look at you. Recognition dawned on his face as an evil smile lifted the corners of your mouth. You considered putting a bullet between his eyes, but that would have been to quick. He definitely deserved a more painful exit from this world.

  
You holstered your gun, and drew the knife that Bucky had just given you. You played with it, flipping it a few times in your hand, letting the light catch the blade. His eyes were glued to the blade in your hand and you could see a bead of sweat slowly make its way down his face. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Present Day**

  
You made your way to the door as silently as you could. Peering around the corner, you made out the figures of three men and a woman strapped to a table. It was only a quick glance, but you definitely recognized the tall man in the white lab coat, a scalpel in his hand. A fresh wave of panic washed over you upon seeing him. An internal war raged within yourself. Part of you wanted to run as far away as you could, but another part, the part you had fought so hard to build back up, refused to back down.

  
Tightening your grip on the gun in your hands, you slipped into the room, trying to keep your shadow from crossing over the men, lest you be discovered. You hid in the shadows, assessing the situation. You had yet to be spotted, so you decided to make your move. Raising your weapon, you took aim and fired at the two guards. One hit each and they went down, never knowing what hit them.

  
The tall man turned toward you, shock evident on his face. You stepped into the light, giving him a moment to get a good look at you. Recognition dawned on his face as an evil smile lifted the corners of your mouth. You considered putting a bullet between his eyes, but that would have been quick. He definitely deserved a more painful exit from this world.

  
You holstered your gun, and drew the knife that Bucky had just given you. You played with it, flipping it a few times in your hand, letting the light catch it as it twirled through the air. His eyes were glued to the blade in your hand and you could see a bead of sweat slowly make its way down his face.

  
You started walking toward him slowly, enjoying the way his eyes kept darting to the knife in your hand. He had started to back away from you, stopping when he ran into the counter behind him. He didn’t look so confident now that the tables were turned on him. He looked exactly like the coward that he was.

  
“(Y/N)?” Bucky questioned from the doorway.

  
You never stopped, never turned around, your eyes never leaving the man in the lab coat. “Get her out of here, Bucky. I’ve got some unfinished business with this one.”

  
Bucky could tell by your tone of voice that you would not change your mind. He did as you asked, cutting through the straps holding the traumatized and sobbing girl to the cold metal table. He picked her up and started to carry her toward the door, leaving you to deal with the man in whatever way you deemed fit.

  
“You don’t have to do this, (Y/N),” he squeaked out. “I could be useful to S.H.I.E.L.D. I know a lot of things about a lot of people. That kind of information is hard to come by.”

  
The smile you had worn since you first drew the knife never wavered. You knew he was right, he had intel that S.H.I.E.L.D. would kill for. You also knew that you would sleep better at night knowing he was dead and that you were the one to put an end to that life.

  
“Tell me something?” you asked as you slowly got closer to him. “How did you survive the bullet Fury put through your chest?”

  
“Honestly,” he replied. “I almost didn’t. I’m too valuable to die, so Hydra pulled out all of the stops to save me. See what I mean about being useful to your bosses?”

  
“Do you really think I care about them right now?” you inquired, a small laugh escaping your lips. “All I care about right now is making you suffer the way you made me suffer. I want to watch you bleed, and I want to be the one to draw that blood.”

  
You had finally made it to within arm’s reach of him, but not quite too close. You had seen him try to hide the scalpel, but you weren’t stupid. He was backed into a corner, and like any rabid animal, he’d strike out when the opportunity arose. You waited just long enough for him to make his move. When the scalpel arced toward your head, you easily dodged it and took advantage of the opening to sink your own knife deep into his shoulder.

  
His screams filled the empty room, echoing off of the walls. You would have been lying if you had said it wasn’t music to your ears. You withdrew the blade slowly, twisting it as you pulled it free, enjoying how the pain contorted his face. You had no intentions of ending this quickly. No, he was going to beg you to kill him before this was over.

  
He was struggling to stay on his feet. Blood was pouring from the wound in his shoulder, his face ashen from the pain. You held the knife in the air, letting the light catch it just right as a drop of blood dripped to the floor. You were like a cat playing with its prey and you were enjoying every second.

  
“(Y/N),” Steve softly called from the door. “I know what you’re thinking, but this is not the answer.”

  
You didn’t bother to turn around. You were too busy taunting the trembling man in front of you. “I seem to recall you having a different viewpoint after Bucky fell from the train. What was it that you told me you said to Peggy, ‘I’m not going to stop until all of Hydra is dead’?”

  
“Dead or captured,” Steve corrected. “He’s unarmed and injured. We can take him in. It doesn’t have to end like this. You’re better than this, (Y/N). Don’t stoop to his level.”

  
You let Steve’s words sink in, and you knew he was right. The satisfaction you would gain from watching the life drain out of him would be fleeting, but knowing that he would spend the rest of his life in one of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s private containment cells, never seeing the light of day again would be like that gift that keeps on giving.

  
The wound you inflicted would definitely ensure that he would never wield a scalpel again, and that would have to do. You started to lower the knife, but the smug look on his face enraged you yet again. Lashing out, you carved a line down the side of his face with you knife. His hand shot to his face as his knees finally gave out from under him.

  
“A little something to remember me by,” you smirked as you turned and walked out of the door.

  
You found your way back to the Quinjet, desperate to find Bucky. He was helping Bruce clean and bandage the wounds on the girl you had found. As you got closer, her eyes darted up toward you.

  
“I can’t thank you enough!” she cried. “I don’t know how much more of that I could have taken.”

  
You took the girl’s outstretched hand in your own. “Trust me, I know exactly what you mean. What’s your name?”

  
“I’m Annie,” she answered.

  
“I’m (Y/N),” you replied.

* * *

 

**One Year Later**

  
Annie had turned out to be one of the few semi-successful attempts Hydra had made at recreating the serum. It wasn’t a perfect recreation of Dr. Erksine’s, but Annie definitely showed signs of being enhanced. You had begged Fury to let you be the one that trained her. It had ended up being therapeutic for both of you. You’d had Bucky to help you through the worst of it, so it was nice to be able to pay it forward.

  
You and Annie spent countless hours in the training facility, honing her combat skills. You hadn’t made the mistake of shying away with knives with her as you had with yourself. She was stronger than she looked, both mentally and physically. It helped that she didn’t have the added guilt of losing her partner and best friend.

  
“You’re still dropping that shoulder on the jabs,” you commented after a failed attempt to punch you. “Let me show you.”

  
She was a quick learner and was eager to become a better fighter. She was a lot like you, she needed to know that she could take care of herself when it came down to it. She was also a really pretty girl, so it was no surprise that Sam had taken an instant liking to her. He and Bucky had taken to hanging around the training room while you and Annie sparred.

  
“Maybe she just needs a new trainer,” Sam suggested as he finished his last set of bicep curls. “I wouldn’t mind showing her a few pointers.”

  
Annie blushed a bit, just as enamored with him as he was with her. “I wouldn’t mind, but only if its okay with (Y/N).”

  
“It’s probably a good idea for you to train with the rest of team now that you have a pretty good grasp on the basics,” you agreed.   
Sam had thought he’d take it easy on her, but Annie had other ideas. Within a few minutes, she had Sam flat on his back, smiling down at him in victory. After that, the training session got really interesting.

  
Bucky grabbed a bottle of water and a towel and walked over to you. “She’s come a long way, and you’re the main reason for that.”

  
“No,” you disagreed. “She could have done it without me. She’s a survivor.”

  
Bucky reached out and turned your chin so that you were looking at him. “You recognized that quality in her from the first day. Do you know why that is?”

  
His eyebrow may have been raised in mock question, but the love and pride in his eyes, as well as that adorably cocky smile gave away his real feelings. “I can see it in her, because it’s a reflection of me, and I’m a survivor.”


End file.
